Unfortunately there is no right way to speak up when we see oppressive behavior. It depends on the circumstances.

Here are a couple of recent situations and how I addressed them. I would love to hear what you would do.

At an exercise class on June 20, 2024 attended by only white people, the white male instructor arrived and announced “Juneteenth is a stupid holiday”. I immediately shouted out “I disagree” but he didn’t hear me; he was venting about going to the post office, which was hard to get to with the transportation available to him, and it was closed. “Why can’t it be on a Monday?” he whined. I used the class time to figure out what to say, and I decided to speak to him privately after class. I started by saying “I’m sorry about how frustrating that was, going to the post office and it being closed. And. Juneteenth isn’t a stupid holiday”. (Trust me, this was not the version I first rehearsed in my head). He apologized saying he didn’t mean to offend anybody but why can’t it be on a Monday? I explained that the holiday is commemorating an event that happened on June 19, just like Independence Day happened on July 4. Since it’s a new holiday, we will get used to it and be more aware. I also gave feedback to the facility, and they called me to find out more. They primarily wanted the name of the instructor who said that, but I told them I handled it, and I hope in the future the facility will somehow acknowledge the holiday so that it isn’t up to individual instructors. They said they would do better, and I said, “That’s great. I plan to be here next year on June 19”, which is true, and I offered to provide resources about Juneteenth if they would like.

A white man about my age led a celebration of summer solstice on June 21, 2024. He talked about indigenous ceremonies using flowers and water, which he then offered to perform. This time I didn’t wait; I said, “May I ask a question?” “Yes, of course.” “Did an indigenous person give you permission to perform this ceremony?” “No, but I’ve worked with indigenous people as an anthropologist for many years. This isn’t a particular ceremony but it is based on indigenous practices. We can talk later.” I abstained from the ceremony. Afterwards he sought me out and explained that due to the intentional extermination of indigenous people in that area, in particular healers, there was no one to ask permission. The extermination is real, I agreed, and there was a healer here yesterday, and you could have asked her, or an elder you know in your work, or you could have performed a solstice ceremony without mentioning indigenous practices. Yes, he agreed. We parted amicably, and when I saw him later, we were glad to see each other as people who both care deeply about indigenous people, and we had another meaningful conversation.

That same day, a beautiful African American woman entered a room full of white women wearing a large crown of braids. Jokingly (I think) one of the white woman said “Here comes the woman with the ugly hair.” And then she mumbles to her friend “I could never get my hair to do that.” “Oh no, dear, it has to be a certain texture.” My calculus is different for speaking out when the person on the receiving end is present; I watched the woman with braids and moved closer to put my body and voice between her and the white women. Without missing a beat, she radiated a beatific smile and said “I just have to figure out how to balance it on my head!”, then she changed the subject and kept talking to the white women. Wow, I thought, that was elegant; she has likely done this before. Rather than say anything, I just stayed near her, both to take in her beauty and have my body there, just in case.

In the summer of 2023, an older white male friend said sort of out of the blue “I’m sick of the pronoun thing.” I asked, genuinely curious about this retired man, “How does that come up in your life?” He said it came up in people’s email signature line, and an individual can’t be a “they”. A dear loved one, another older white male, sitting next to me, who I hadn’t previously thought of as someone who cared about trans people, said “Actually in Native American culture there are two-spirit people, who are born with both male and female characteristics. If they have two spirits in one person, it makes sense to use “they” pronouns, for them and for anyone else who wants to use it.”

At various times I have intervened on the playground on behalf of my grandchild, who has European and Chinese ancestry, which shows up in his melanated skin, dark hair and eyes, and the shape of his eyes. When he was 18 months old, at the height of COVID, a kid a few years older told his friends “he’s a bad guy, let’s get away from him.” I said to the boys “He’s not a bad guy, he’s a baby.” Three times. Then I figured out who the mother was and gave her a “WTH?” gesture, and she called the boys off. Last week my grandson was told by a kid about his age “you don’t belong here”. My immediate response was a loud “Excuse me?” and the child’s mother extracted him and made him go play somewhere else. Both times I spoke to my grandson about it, saying there are people who say mean things, but most people are nice, and he can ask a grownup anytime he feels hurt by another kid.

If I get feedback that examples like this are helpful, I will provide more.